Open bottle of merlot in hand, world renowned writer, journalist and all-around aging badass E.S.B. announced to the world that she was unceremoniously sacked from her position as development associate at —— Inc. as of April 1, 2005.
“I thought it might be an April Fool’s joke,” she explained at a press conference on Wednesday, April 6, at the Netherhouse, her Philadelphia residence. “Unfortunately, the workaholic sticks in the mud who hired me have neither the time for nor the understanding of a sense of humor.”
With that, the writer vowed her rocky journey from chain smoking art school darling to legitimate worker bee would continue on, despite this latest setback.
“I think this might be one of those defining moments, the kind that make talking heads like Katie Couric go into convulsions of ecstasy,” she explained over Yuengling at local West Philly watering hole Dahlak.
“You know, the kind where you get to lean in all serious-like and say, with wide-eyed earnestness, ‘It was at that moment, with nothing more than a bunch of degrees from really expensive private schools and thousands of dollars in student loans to my name, I had to make a choice…
“’I had to decide whether to take the proverbial path less followed, or just find another job. And, well, Katie, I had to follow my heart, my soul down the path to worldwide fame, and, no, I’ve never looked back.’”
When asked what’s next for this cheerleading captain turned bike messenger turned hellraiser, the answer is less clear. “Money’s definitely a consideration, especially since I was the third person to be fired at —— a week before hitting the 3 month mark and thus missing out on unemployment. But, I also have to think of where I want to be in one, five, 10 years, and, honestly, I’m not getting any younger, and the path to world domination does certainly seem to be getting longer!
“For now, though, I’m polishing my resume, sending out e-mails in the hopes that either a job, sympathy or free food will come out of it, and enjoying this crazy city I live in.”
And, in the interim, she’s keeping busy working on her debut novel, “Yes, I Have Done All That (And You Could Too If You Weren’t So Afraid of Change)” which promises to give that overstuffed blowhard Dr. Phil a run for his opinionated money.