I had an epiphany this morning. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately—too much, really—and so I got to bed at a respectable but not too early 12:30 a.m. last night, waking just before my alarm went off at 6:42 a.m. (Don’t ask, I like to fool my brain and so I set the väckarklocka for an odd time … I know… I know…)
Funny thing about early a.m. is that it really takes the brain on odd journeys down paths—many treacherous and painful, others amusing and inspiring—that don’t usually get visited during the busy-brain work-monkey daylight hours.
So, I’m laying there it occurred to me I’ve been going about this growing-aged-hand-me-the-cane-and-coffin-it-might-was-well-be-over time in my life all wrong, and instead of looking at what I, or in most instances, society, tells me I’m missing I should look at what I actually want.
I know, it gets tough, especially when you’re not doing the usual thing, and you do things like look around a room and realize you’re the only person without a wedding or engagement ring.
And so, as I was laying snuggled in my L.L . Bean-ly flannel warmies, Gordy the stuffed pig at my side, I decided I’ve had enough, I’m not waiting around for someone, anyone, the one, the hearts and flowers incarnation of Godot because, and this is the important part: I don’t want to. I am still struggling with the raging uncertainty regarding my one—discovered at age 18 and always on the brain and gnawing at the heart—who I summarily kicked to the curb a few years ago, and whether or not I seriously fucked up.
Not that I’m giving up, or plan to head to the Humane Society anytime soon to look at cats, but the pressure has been building at such an impossible clip to get hitched. I’m about ready to hire someone just to get everyone to shut the fuck up because I am tired, and too deep in things I enjoy to stop and find some dude to buy me a bunch of smelling-the-roses-roses.
So I’m ignoring the peanut gallery, dedicating my life, and heart, to having a good time… and in the meantime, I’ve got work to do: Philly Rollergirl tryouts are February 27!!!