This is just a test….

so now all y’all who gripe at me to update my list more often will now know just how bloody long it takes me to post something, thanks to that thar little ol’ box on the right…. sign up, you’ll get my ranting and raving the second I hit "send."
now you can die happy…

Mom was right!

So, the makers of Viagra swear it doesn’t cause blindness, despite the FDA requiring them to put that information on the drug’s label.
Well well well…. seems Mom was right, you will go blind….
The funny thing is, who would’ve thunk it’d be old men and not horny, pubescent teens?!!? bwhaahaahaah!!!!!!

Fucked up bitches…..

Got thinking today after chatting with a friend about how procreation is bullocks, and only those who have gone through a pre-approval process, complete with credit check, mental evaluation and parenting classes, should be allowed to give birth.

Of course, no one in their right mind would pass, as no one in their right mind would actually conceive if they took to time to really think about what spawning a small, squealing, pooping infant entails, but that doesn’t seem to stop anyone…

Not that I am against children, having children, or using children in a recipe. On the contrary, they’re pretty goddamned cool, not to mention scary as they have brains that grow, evolve and eventually ask for the car keys, unlike their furry four-legged counterparts.

It’s just that I can’t help but look around me at those I know who have them, and think that many of them are the very people who probably should have pulled out.

Not that some of them are not fine parents, and not that it really matters once junior is born, s/he’s here, sit back, keep your hands inside the moving vehicle at all times and enjoy the ride. But so many people have kids for the wrong reason…

We’re all guilty, at one point or another, for using our bodies to get what we want, to use them and what we can do with them for leverage, collateral or currency. Anyone who pretends otherwise is lying.

But, when it comes to the ultimate in what, for many people, is a need to control the other person, what about the kid?

No relationship has ever, in the history of the world, been saved by having a child.

No emptiness caused by lack of introspection has ever been filled by giving birth.

And what do you do when the reality strikes you square in the face? Even if you can control the other person and make them jump when you say jump, squirm, cry and come running back to you when you demand it, for all eternity like the lopsided, fucked up and abusive relationship it’s always been, at the end of the day there’s someone counting on you to be there for them, take care of them, nurture and guide them… and if you didn’t go into it for the right reasons in the first place, in how many ways is that innocent bystander getting gypped?

Trust me, I speak from experience on this.

And this is why, as I grow closer and closer to hip-breaking metamusil-drinking uber-spinster age, no matter how much I might eventually regret getting to my deathbed with no one to inherit my stuffed pig collection, I will never regret dragging another human being into this world simply to tie someone else to me.

Although, it would be nice to have someone to bequeath my ugly teapot collection to….

Any takers?!

Save the Whales! Eat more plankton!

Oh sigh. Another Monday, another eight motherfucking hours of sitting on my rapidly expanding arse staring at Google news waiting for the headlines to change.

So far, there’s still a Boy Scout lost in the wilderness of Utah or something — guess there goes his orienteering badge.

Tom Cruise got squirted with water by some Brit talk show stooges and got all pissed off — puhleeze, little Itty Bitty Tommy isn’t already all wet for running around like some squiqqle of linguine on speed barking about allegedly fucking some B actress … who has no penis … he swears …. and it’s not like he’s hot for penis … or anything …

Ooh, it just switched again. Hmm. Leonardo DiCaprio got hit in the head with a bottle. Don’t think ol Lenny has any idea how many times he’s actually had bottles thrown at his head, but it’s mostly because the pain of a plastic Diet Coke hitting the scrim of a movie screen isn’t quite the same, now is it?

Ooh, so, the Dutch or the Danes or some tall, georgous race of people have cloned human embryos. Quite frankly, if anyone’s going to be cloning themselves, I’m all for the Scandinavian hotties. Over on this side of the pond who knows what you’ll wind up with — evangelicals, trailer trash, Jenna or Barbara Bush’s demon spawn….

Quite frankly, I’m bored with it all. Perhaps I’m desensitized, but I could care less.

It’s too much, the world is crashing and burning, babies are dying and being born in CostCo-size quantities, Japan wants to kill more whales and a whole bunch of other people want to save them while in between, the whales just want to swim around and eat little, teeny tiny plankton.

Mmmm…. plankton…. Whales don’t get all existential. They don’t wonder why we’re here, what it’s all about, where we’re going. They just float, and hang out, and strain little animals through their gums. Not too shabby an existence.

Maybe from now I make myself more like a whale…. Well, not really more like a whale: I’m still vegan, no need to start referring to me as “killer whale” or anything. I’m still going to the gym — that’s not exactly what I meant.

But, maybe sometimes you gotta’ float.

Or perhaps Google news is actually a brain sucking mechanism akin to the proverbial existential zen-like float, offering you the chance to “customize your news” so they can feed you more global bullshit from the bottomfeeding harbingers of baddest news ever, the media, thus lulling you into a coma feeling better that no matter how terrible your life is at least you’re not lost in the wilderness, eaten by a shark, cloned, maimed, squirted or on trial for being a murderer/perv/ or both….

Oh wait…. mmmm… plankton…….

Fristing hurts

Fascinating news today: the results of the Terri Schiavo autopsy.
Seems the woman had a brain so atrophied it was half its normal size, and she was blind. Which really makes me want to write to good ol’ boy Billy Frist and ask him if he feels like the complete and total dipshit he should feel like after diagnosing her via video.
Gee, amazing how actual medical procedures work so much better than the faith healer bullshit…
Of course, Frist and his ilk would like to convince us all that we don’t need traditional medical care, seeing as fewer and fewer of us are able to afford health insurance thanks to their fucking it all up for us plain ol’ working folks.
That’s okay. I’m a firm believer in karma, and one day if we’re lucky we’re going to find out that ol’ Frist-y suffered something like a catastrophic health trauma and lay, paralyzed, on his floor for several days as packs of feral cats — like the ones he used to adopt and dissect in medical school — slowly, and painfully, devoured his flesh, starting, of course, with his eyes…..

Follow The Money Indeed

I’d like to say I can sleep easy now, one of the biggest mysteries populating this j-school dork’s brain solved with the self-outing of Nixon-era Deep Throat.
Thing is, reading the account in papers around the globe of the reason Woodward’s "friend" — W. Mark Felt — finally gave for coming forward leaves a dirty feeling, a total letdown from the man who, through the ultimate backstory tips and suggestions, brought down the dirtiest regime on record to-date.
"It’s doing me good," Mr. Felt told reporters outside his home in Santa Rosa, Calif., when asked how he was reacting to the publicity. "I’ll arrange to write a book or something, and collect all the money I can."
According to several reports, Felt, 91, has been slipping into dementia, and the assumption is that he doesn’t completely know what he’s doing. Granted, no one but Felt himself can explain his motives, but the fact that his family contacted People magazine, Harper Collins books and Vanity Fair, which will publish his story in next month’s issue, looking for a phat cash payout says a lot.
While there’s a lot of talk about Felt’s disclosure ultimately aiding journalists in this era of anonymous source assault where access to information, and those with it, without a lengthy jail sentence is in peril, I can’t help but see it as further erosion of an industry that, while never perfect, is in rapid decline.
When the identity of Deep Throat happens simply for the potential payout, it’s just a matter of time before newspapers start cutting staff in order to maintain a big, fat bottom line, the government plants male escort/Internet whores in the White House press room to ask puffball questions and write the kinds of favorable stories that give right wing hardliners a big fat hard on, and newsmagazines get taken to task by the goverment’s PR whore for printing the truth about atrocities in the Middle East while the leading human rights group equates that same government’s prisons to Soviet-era gulags…
Oh…. wait. Never mind….. We’re already there…..
I think I’m simply going to stab my eyes out.