Save the Whales! Eat more plankton!

Oh sigh. Another Monday, another eight motherfucking hours of sitting on my rapidly expanding arse staring at Google news waiting for the headlines to change.

So far, there’s still a Boy Scout lost in the wilderness of Utah or something — guess there goes his orienteering badge.

Tom Cruise got squirted with water by some Brit talk show stooges and got all pissed off — puhleeze, little Itty Bitty Tommy isn’t already all wet for running around like some squiqqle of linguine on speed barking about allegedly fucking some B actress … who has no penis … he swears …. and it’s not like he’s hot for penis … or anything …

Ooh, it just switched again. Hmm. Leonardo DiCaprio got hit in the head with a bottle. Don’t think ol Lenny has any idea how many times he’s actually had bottles thrown at his head, but it’s mostly because the pain of a plastic Diet Coke hitting the scrim of a movie screen isn’t quite the same, now is it?

Ooh, so, the Dutch or the Danes or some tall, georgous race of people have cloned human embryos. Quite frankly, if anyone’s going to be cloning themselves, I’m all for the Scandinavian hotties. Over on this side of the pond who knows what you’ll wind up with — evangelicals, trailer trash, Jenna or Barbara Bush’s demon spawn….

Quite frankly, I’m bored with it all. Perhaps I’m desensitized, but I could care less.

It’s too much, the world is crashing and burning, babies are dying and being born in CostCo-size quantities, Japan wants to kill more whales and a whole bunch of other people want to save them while in between, the whales just want to swim around and eat little, teeny tiny plankton.

Mmmm…. plankton…. Whales don’t get all existential. They don’t wonder why we’re here, what it’s all about, where we’re going. They just float, and hang out, and strain little animals through their gums. Not too shabby an existence.

Maybe from now I make myself more like a whale…. Well, not really more like a whale: I’m still vegan, no need to start referring to me as “killer whale” or anything. I’m still going to the gym — that’s not exactly what I meant.

But, maybe sometimes you gotta’ float.

Or perhaps Google news is actually a brain sucking mechanism akin to the proverbial existential zen-like float, offering you the chance to “customize your news” so they can feed you more global bullshit from the bottomfeeding harbingers of baddest news ever, the media, thus lulling you into a coma feeling better that no matter how terrible your life is at least you’re not lost in the wilderness, eaten by a shark, cloned, maimed, squirted or on trial for being a murderer/perv/ or both….

Oh wait…. mmmm… plankton…….

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