Making Me Obsolete

So I thought this was a joke… I thought to myself, “Self, this can’t be for real! Who would be so stupid as to believe something as absurd as this.”

And yet, ’tis a true product.

It’s called White Smoke, and it’s a “revolutionary writing tool” that essentially turns normal, everyday words and sentences into utter bullshit.

Hence, the name.

I may be an offspring not far removed from the old country, but as far as I know, the term, “Blowing white smoke out his/her ass” means, essentially, that the person is completely and totally bullshitting, talking a lot and saying zilch.

Well, now there’s a program that “provides context-based recommendations” to get writers to business-ese in a hurry, allowing them to “enhance their writing skills.”

There’s even a free trial download! Woo hoo! Let me see how badly I can mangle the English language…

But, ‘kay, see, here’s the deal: I’ve enhanced MY writing skills over the years with this amazing invention called learning the proper way to write!

We’ve all done it — remember grade school? Mapping the sentence? Proper noun, verb, predicate?!!?!!?

(And I’m not going to lie — being the geeze I am, I had ADD before anyone knew just why it was I was wandering off and drawing pictures of shoes and butterflies on my lesson book, and I can still write better’n half the bolloxed bullshit floating around like fetid turds in the great electronic spider Web.)

But no, instead we’ve got a program to add to the kind of crap Shrub regularly regurgitates and spews around to globe to unsuspecting intelligent folk who sit, scratching their heads and wondering just what it was they just heard…

(And what is it about this dude on the homepage, sitting in his cheap suit, chin in hand, looking all sly, probably thinking something like, “Heh heh, with this crapola program, I can have this shoddy e-mail explaining why I missed another deadline sent out in no time, and no one will be the wiser. They’ll certainly give up trying to decipher the meaning within minutes, thus leaving me free and clear to continue to bang that hot, horny admin in the supply closet for the rest of the afternoon!)

And I have to admit, this is the kind of thing that makes me crazy. For those of you who remember, a few months ago I was sacked from a gig where the company president regularly made use of the sort of nonsensical gibberish this program creates, and I struggled, day in and day out, to clean up the jargon and replace it with something akin to actual English.

Dude spewed more bullshit and pointless jargon than the local schizophrenic homeless person with tourettes sitting on the street corner in a Hefty sack…

So, to find out this is a desirable trait makes me reevaluate my entire existence…. or perhaps I have just found my calling….